FML, This is awkward
by Joker In The Pack
Summary: Hi! I'm Fable, and this is my FML story! Warning: Short, although some are hilariously funny...
1. Piano

A/N: Hey Hey! I'm Felix, and I will be your host for this version of the chapter. ;)

EPOV

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML.

I was reading in my room, reading Dracula for the 23rd time...I was bored.

I heard clunking from downstairs, clunking that sounded suspiciously like my piano...my beloved piano, my Lottie...It must be Alice, she's the only one who dare touch my piano except Bella, but Bella's in Port Angeles with Angela...

I threw down my book, and stormed out of my room and fell down the stairs...

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT JASPER!" I screamed up the stairs.

I suddenly felt confuzzled...what was I doing again?

Then I heard clunking from my precious Lottie...

Oh, I remember....

I furiously stormed towards the living room, towards the little alcove....

I'm no empath, but I could feel my anger...Freaky...

I turned the corner, and was horrified by the sight before me...

Oh woe is me, such a tragedy behold my eyes, the abhorred daemon of my nightmares came back to haunt me, exceeding that of any man's, I thought, as I trembled with horror, its unearthly ugliness rendered it almost too horrible for any creature's eyes alone, words could not render it.

My compassionate father Carlisle, and my beloved, loving mother Esme, were getting it on, on my piano, my precious, dear Lottie, my dreams, my fire on a cold day, my water in the desert, the apple of my other eye.

Well damn. This freakin' sucks.

I covered my poor eyes.

I started to run to the kitchen so I could disinfect my eyes, I will behold that sight forevermore, nightmares shall cease, although I do not sleep. Alas, for it can not be pleasant, I fear I shall need therapy after seeing such a horrific sight.

FML

A/N: Review? 


	2. Urinals

A/N: Heyyy, Felix here and I will be your host for today's chapter. =] Enjoyy!

MPOV

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

I was in this WAY cool shop, getting stuff for Bella, so she'd see that I'm better then Cullen and come running into my arms.

Buuut then I like really had to pee, so I went into the bathroom, and I went wee-wee in the urinal.

I sung a little song, it went like this:

ABCDEFG I have to go for a pee!  
HIJKLMN So I use the potty with the men!  
OPQRST I like to sing to me!  
UVWXYZ Sing along with mememe!

Then I finished, and I put my dinky back in my trousers, and zipped them up...on my foreskin....

3rd Person POV

Mike started crying and rolling around on the floor like a rubber chicken.

Making a big fuss over nothing...

A shop attendant came in, look at him, sighed, picked up his walky talky and said "Bob, we got a lil kid in the bathroom again"

They dragged him out by his rubber chicken arms, and put him to sleep.

When he awoke he was hallucinating.

About chickens eating him....

And after that day, Mike is scared of Chickens, Rubber Chickens and Urinals, not to mention Shop Attendants and Zippers....

MikePOV

THE CHICKENS, THE CHICKENS THEY'RE AFTER ME HELP! THEY'RE GONNA GET ME WARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO, DON'T EAT ME, OR HUUUURT ME!!!

NOOO! NOT THE ZIPPERS!

FML A/N: Review? 


	3. Motorbike

A/N: Heyy, Felix again...Today's chapter is about Nessie and Jacob. =]

JacobPOV

Today, me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. While at a stop light, she started to make these weird noises. Turns out she was having an orgasm. I still can't give her one. FML

I wandered into the Cullen's house, trying to find my girlfriend, Nessie.

I walked into the kitchen, and found her having lunch.

"Hey Ness" I said, sitting down opposite her and stealing a chunk of pineapple.

"Hey Jacob" She said, leaning over the table to give me a kiss.

Yum..she tasted like Pineapple....

"Soooo, Ness....Wanna go for a ride on my bike? I know a great hidden place...." I winked at her seductively.

As usual, she was up for it, so we went over to my bike, and got on.

I revved the engine and we sped off down the drive.

I started thinking, why couldn't I give her an orgasm?

I had the size, the speed, the stanima....

I could get it up, no problem....

So what was it?

What, what, what, what could it be?

My thoughts snapped back to the road, we were on the highway, Nessie clinging to me as we zoomed past all the cars.

We got to a stop light.

Oh how I hate stop lights, I even have a poem.

Stop Lights, Stop Lights,  
How I hate you so,  
It makes my heart sink in woe,  
Whenever I'm stuck in front of you,  
I always hear a moo,  
Stop Lights, Stop Lights,  
How I hate you so.

Good eh?

But when I turned around to check on Ness, I found her making these strange noises.

"Ness? What's happening?" I asked worriedly.

"Orgasmmm" She vibrated.

Damn.

FML

A/N: Hehe...Review? 


	4. Request

A/N: Duuude, I'm on a roll! Correction for Piano, then I wrote more chapters. Show me how grateful you are and review =] ;)

NessPov

Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML

I was sitting in my room, doing some online shopping and stuff, y'know, the usual.

I was bored.

I went down for lunch, and came back up, and started doing some homework.

2+203987574-34321413x233434.575434=?

I started working it out, focusing on it.

That's when I heard it...

The sound.

The demon sound.

Crapples.

Holy Crapples.

Holy Motherfucking Crapples.

Holy Motherfucking Bloody Crapples.

Oh My Motherfucking Bloody Crapples. I just crapped myself. Not literally.

Oh My Holy Motherfucking Bloody Crapples, I just shat a brick

Oh My Holy Motherfucking Bloody Pissing Crapples, The brick s alive

Oh My Cocksucking Holy Motherfucking Bloody Pissing Crapples, The brick just bit me

Oh My Cocksucking Holy Twatfaced Motherfucking Bloody Pissing Crapples, Brick fainted...

Oh My Cocksucking Holy Twatfaced Motherfucking Bloody Pissing Tit Crapples, It was the noise

The noise was spanking...

Not just any spanking...

My mother begging my father to spank her harder...

Oh jeez...

FML

A/N: Lmao...Review? 


	5. Hawaii

**Today, my dad and I were watching Hawaii play the Navy in football. I cheered when Hawaii won. My dad turns to me and says, "You know your mother and I concieved you there?" Thanks Dad. FML**

Jacobs POV again.

Me and Billy were just chillin' on the sofa, me stuffing crisps and soda down my throat, him just relaxing and watching the game...

Hawaii against the Navy, it was a tough game, one of the best in a while.

Hope Hawaii wins, that'd be AWESOME!

They scored, and I started jumping up and down like a retarded squirrel, cheering.

The game was nerve rackinly close, but the doorball rang, so I got up to answer it.

Wow, my pizza.

I paid the dude and nommed it down. Billy wasn't allowed pizza :/

Then I started staring intently at a picture of a fluffy bunny on the wall.  
That...THAT...THAT...THAT BUNNY...IT S MOCKING ME... I screamed.  
He picked it up and threw it out the window.  
TAKE THAT FLUFFY MOCKING BUNNY MWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA I yelled/evil laughed.

I walked back into the living room and sat down again.

Hawaii were winning!

The Navy were winning!

Hawaii!

Navy!

Hawaii!

Navy!

Hawaii!

Navy!

Annnnd...

HAWAII WON!  
YEAHHH!

I jumped up and started dancing...

That's when Billy turned to me and said "You know your mother and I concieved you there?"

I fainted.

Thanks Dad.

FML

**A/N: Oh yes ;D**


	6. Cordless

**Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML**

Emmett

Aww. Rosie is out shopping today...

I need fuel...To get me through the day...

I went upstairs and found the computer, but I had a stupid cordless mouse. I broke the other one and nobody lets me near the ones you plug in.

And I turned my laptop on by pressing the on button :O

GENIUS!

And then I went onto Google and typed in

eye ned sum gud pawn

But there were no results so I wrote I need some good porn, but I couldnt be bothered so I just wrote Porn.

PORNHUB! CHYEAHH!

I clicked it and started watching a video with these lesbians...and I was about to take my dick out but...

My mouse died, but I figured it didn't matter cause there was 28 mins of this left.

Shock! Horror! Mayhem! Murder!

The worst thing possible could happen...

Esme walked in...

SHIT.

FML.

**A/N: And that, is why you don't have a cordless mouse :D**


	7. Sleep

A/N: Lmao, Im doing an allnighter, so I thought I'd just update all my stories in one...cept for the one shots of course....=] By order of popularity, not including one shots. It goes like this:

FML, Renesmee Goes To School, Bits And Bobs, Crackfic, Random Stories, The World Has Been Destroyed, Wait, I'm Bella Swan, .

Anyway, on with the story!

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

Jacobs POV

Yes! Yes! Yes! I was offically on holiday, from the pack and school.

I COULD SLEEP!

I flopped down on my uber cosy bed and closed my eyes, drifting off to dreamland...

Zzzzz

Drrrriiiiinnngggg

Wha? Wha was tha noise?

The house started vibrating and I fell out of bed, onto Mike Newton...

DUUUDE! STALKER!

I picked him up and chucked him out the window, then looked out...

Holy Toilet Seats, they were building a house...

I checked the time. 7am?! DUDE!

!

I flopped backk on my bed and tried to get back to sleep without prevail.

FML

[A/N: If you want Jake to get some sleep cause you like him, read below =]]

I had an idea, and put some clean clothes on, then drove over to Bella's.

I dingdonged the doorbell and whistled a merry tune while waiting.

Bella answered the door.

"Oh, Hey Jake, I was just about to go out and run some errands, y'know" She said.

"Bells, can I sleep here?? Im on holiday and they're building a fricking house so I can't sleep..." I started talking gibberish and banging my head on the wall.

"Yes Jake" She pushed me inside, "I'll be back in a few hours, okay?"

I nodded and fell asleep on the sofa.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

Zzzzzzzzzzz

I dreamt about the pink glittery apricot that kicked Spaceball's spaceballs, and got drunk.

Wooo

Then I woke up.

I love sleep =]

A/N: There! =] Review? 


	8. Potato

**A/N: =]**

FML

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

Seth.

"Five, Six, Seven, Eight!Na, na, na, na,Na, na, na, na, na, na, nah, you are the music in...Na, na, na, na,Na, na, na, na, na, na, nah,you are the music in...are the music in…"

The sweet sound of the familiar High School Musical song played and I took up my position ready to dance.

Cause I was in a dance competition!!!

Im gonna win this shit!

I started my amazing dance that I'd been working on for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks, so that's like…uhh…weeks! :D

**3****RD**** PERSON POV**

So then the almighty Seth, tore around the stage, prancing and tumbling. He could feel the music in his veins. He stumbled over his next step and crashed to the floor.

Noise arose from the audience who were quickly snapped out of the trance he had them in. Someone clapped sarcastically and Seth could hear people booing wildly. He tried to carry on but felt the tears streaming down his face. He leapt into the air and as he faced the audience again, something hit him in the head. It was a potato, but what were people doing carrying potatoes around?

Seth

A few hours later, I awoke in a pure white room.

I could make out shadows moving around and

beds, but I wasn't quite sure where I was.

I looked down to my arm and saw some tubes

attached to it then turned to look at the machine

beeping next to me. The beeping increased as

I sat up and panicked and a nurse rushed over and pushed me back down.

"Nurse, what happened to me?" I asked, my head was throbbing, and I couldn't think straight…

"Well, you were knocked out by a potato, and you have minor concussion…" She said then cracked up laughing…

Gah.

FML.

**A/N: Lmaoo…=] I shall keep updating…stay tuned folks!**


	9. Popart

Today, I opened the freezer for some Poptarts and a giant block of meat fell and broke my toe. FML

Bella.

I woke up this morning, to see a note written in Edward's beautiful handwriting.

_Dear Bella,_

_Today I must go hunting. I shall miss you, and cannot wait to see your smile again. I know you're blushing right now._

_Love, Edward._

Hopefully, today, I won't fall in the washer like last time…

So I got up, and decided to go downstairs to get me some breakyfast.

I looked through the cupboards…

Hmm…Wheetabix? Nah.

Hmm…Porridge? Nah.

Hmm…Poptarts? YEAH!

I grabbed the box, but it was empty…

I KNOW WHERE THERE'S MORE!

I walked over to the freezer and opened it.

BAM!

A giant block of dinosaur meat fell out and broke my toe…

Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow OWCHIES!!!

FML

**Keep reading if you want the next part (;**

I sat down and counted.

5

4

3

2

1

0

The door opened, and Edward came zooming in.

"Bella! I can't leave you along for 10 minutes with you hurting yourself. Come along, let's get you to le hopital" He picked me up, and put me in his Volvo.

Then he zoomed to le hopital, where he took me to Carlisle.

"Carlisle, she broke her toe by dropping a block of dinosaur meat on it" Edward said.

I blushed.

"Wasn't my fault" I mumbled.

They looked at me.

FML.

* * *

**Like it? :D Mass update todayyy.**


	10. Taped

EPOV

Today, my siblings overpowered me and duct taped me to a chair. Helpless, I had to wait until my dad got home so he could help me. Instead, the first thing he did was reach for his camera to take a picture. FML

I was playing the piano (My precious Lottie) in lala land, when suddenly I was rugby tackled backwards by a rather large potato named Emmett…No, really, it was a potato with a name sticker saying "Hi, My Name Is: Emmett"

Weird.

Anyway, so I was laying on the floor by my darling Lottie. Then Jasper and Emmett burst from the shade and grabbed me.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get free…

So they duck taped me to the chair.

Oh snap.

Esme was hunting with Alice and whoever else except Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle.

Emmett and Jasper were taping me to a chair. Carlisle was hospital-ing.

Well damn. Why me?

I sat there in despair,

I didn't really care,

That I cried,

Cos they lied…

About the potato.

See, I'm great at poetry…

SUDDENLY!

I hear the door open…CARLISLE!

"CARLISLE!" I mufflreammed (muffle screamed)

He walked into the room.

"Edward?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Helpeth me, O' brave knight" I said dramatically.

"Edward, dude, I know you have problems, but seriously."

"Let me out of here."

Carlisle reached…for his camera.

Damn. This freakin' sucks.

FML

**A/N: Lawl, yay! I finally updated! :3 btw, people, join www (dot) volturiscoven (dot) ning (dot) com. Princess Volturi is the owner, I'm the co-owned :3**


	11. Naked

EmPOV

Today, after sneaking out, I had to get back through my window. After making several failed attempts, I thought maybe I would have better flexibility if I took my clothes off. I wasn't more flexible. Now, I'm stuck outside naked because no one's awake. FML

Wuhoo! I'm sneakin' out, whores!

Yes, a I-don't-know how old vampire can get grounded…D:

3 hours let.

Oh shit, how do I get back in without killing the house or something like that?

Gah.

I sat on a tree and squashed it with my fat ass.

Then I jumped out and tried to get in by jumping, and I failed.

So I took off my clothes, cos if I'm naked, I might be able to get in!

So I tried it again…

And failed.

Now I'm stuck outside naked, because they're too busy shagging to hear me. And Rose is in Seattle. Bleh.

FML

**A/N: Wuhoo! (: Review? Cmon, I need more reviews, I NEED LOVEEEE *cries* Ps. Boobies.**


	12. Pepper

JacobPOV

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

Woooo! I'm going to my epic job at pizza place where I get free pizza :3

I walked and walked and walked. And nearly got hit by a car, but then I walked some more. Then I arrived at the place, and signed in.

Then I went to find my To Do list…

1. Collect tomatoes from delivery

2. Order more pineapples

3. Spoon crushed red pepper into bags.

I collected the tomatoes, and nearly died D:

But I lived! :D

Then I ordered some pineapples.

They bit me =[

Then I had to spoon crushed red pepper into bags…

So I did. I spooned them real good.

THEN I was all…Dude, I gotta go pee.

So I went to the bathroom.

I peed.

It burned.

I forgot to wash my hands before hand.

It still burns.

Damn.

FML

**A/N: Ohyeah! 3 fmls updates in the same night! (Day) :0 (:**

**(Boobies)**


	13. Straw

Bella

Today, I had to get 4 stitches from a bad cut on my elbow. What was the cut from? A straw. FML

I was watching a movie with my beloved Edward, on my beloved sofa in my fathers beloved house, in rainy, rainy Forks one Saturday morning.

Then I was all "Hey, Edward, I need a drink, make like a budgie and budge pleaseeeey" So he budged like a budgie and budged.

So I walked into the kitchen, and opened the fridge.

Then I got out juice, and a plastic cup, and poured it in…but the juice didn't come out…so I shook it….

And I looked at the lid and was all "HEY! I NEED TO UNSCREW IT!" So, I took the lid off and poured it in.

Then I put the juice back into the fridge, and reached up to get the packet of straws from the cupboard.

I put a pink one in my drink and put the packet back in the cupboard…

THEN! As I was putting my arm back down, my elbow hit the straw and…

I'm too ashamed to admit it…I cut my elbow on the straw…and it started bleeding…on the floor…so Edward came in…

I can't believe that happened…Oh my gosh, a giant pickle…

Then Edward took me to the hospital to get my elbow stitched up…

I can't believe that happened to me.

FML

**Wuhoo! I'm back in action…kinda…lawl…REVIEW!**


	14. Sneaking Out

**Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out.****I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life.****FML**

Bella

I woke up and looked at my clock. It was 2am. Of course I would wake up at this time, I'm boring like that. I was hungry too.

I got out of bed quietly, so I didn't wake up Charlie. I merrily skipped down the stairs into the kitchen where my food awaited me.

I mean, that's how it happened in my head...

In reality, Charlie intercepted me on the stairs.

"BELLA. ARE YOU SNEAKING OUT?"

I remained silent and panicked.

"BELLA"

Oh god, I'm hyperventilating

"Hello?"

I can't tell him.

"BELLA. GODAMNIT, WERE YOU SNEAKING OUT?"

"YES, I WAS! I CONFESS! I CONFESS!" I screamed

"YOU'RE GROUNDED" Charlie said very loudly.

"SIR YES SIR!" I performed an about-face and marched back to bed.

Fml.

**CHECK OUT MY NEW FML STORY IF YOU HAVEN'T!**


	15. Toilet

**Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML**

**Nessie**

Me and Jacob has just got done having a good time, if you know what I mean ;)

And then my phone rang. And I was all "Hello, Battersea's dog home, how may I help you?"

And then Charlie was all "WHUT?" and I was all "Nuffin, whaddya want?"

Turns out, his toilet was blocked and he needed me to clean it. So I drove across town and cleaned it.

Like a good granddaughter.

Whilst I was scrubbing, I felt a presence...then I felt alot more than that, more specifically, the feel of liquid wet shit on my face.

SOMEONE FLUSHED THE TOILET. RAAAAAAAAAGE.

I returned home with Charlie's shit on my face.

Fml.

**That one wasn't very good, I'm afraid D:**


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